Yesterday I had my first fill after getting a little cocky and deciding that I didn't need no stinkin' lap-band to maintain my weight. I am having a hard time adjusting but more about that in a minute. First I want to tell my story.
I had lap-band surgery in August 2004. My weight at the time was 268. I lost down to 185 and a size 14. I looked good. I felt good. I was hot to trot dating every guy in town and having fun with my nice clothes, my pretty hair, and my new-found self-confidence. I was incredibly happy living an awesome life with great friends, a job I loved and sexy lingerie.
I would go into Starbucks and men would stare. At first this was off-putting and then I realized they were staring at me because I was looking good, not because they were thinking "Eeewwww gross! She is so fat!" That was such a shocking realization!
One hot September day I went to a street fair and met the man who would become my husband. He was handsome with a sexy accent, a great education, and a good job. Our story is kind of funny and I will save it for another day (because it is also long) but we hit it off and pretty much spent every day together from that first day.
We got married and had a baby 4 months later. That's sort of where everything fell apart. The husband part was good and the baby part was good but I had really, really, really, really bad postpartum depression. In fact at my lowest point I was having all of these terribly morbid thoughts and was suicidal. My husband and I worked through it but I should have gone to a therapist. Instead I starting eating cheese and chocolate and ice cream and any other high calorie comfort food I could find that would go through my band. Comfort fattening food became my therapist. Smart, huh?
In late November of 2009 my husband, son and I were in Chicago and something happened. I still do not know what happened. I just woke up one morning and couldn't swallow - no soft food, no water, no saliva. After about two days of this I got really scared and called my surgeon in Memphis and he hooked me up with a friend of his in Hinsdale, Illinois who deflated my band. I spent three days on liquids and then started slowly easing into solids. Once I got going on my solids I discovered how much I had missed steak and oranges and lamb chops and grapes. I asked my surgeon in Memphis not to refill my band but he talked me into just a tiny fill. But it wasn't long before I then I discovered how much I missed bread. Then pasta. Then donuts. Then Coke. And before I knew it I had gained back up to 251, which is where I am now.
In the midst of all that gaining and eating my husband took a job in Denver and we left out entire support system in Mississippi. I spent the better part of 2010 denying that I needed my lap-band refilled and it wasn't until I could barely move that I decided to get back on track.
So here I am one day after my first fill trying to remember what to do and not to do. I have started doing water aerobics every day except Sunday because, let's face it, I am too heavy to do anything else (and my knee hurts too damn much).
I am pretty scared that I will not do everything right because if you've been through the lap-band experience you know that changing your diet and mind-set starts pre-op. When you have the surgery you start on liquids so you slowly ease into the correct eating habits. I am going from drinking a Coke and eating bread on Tuesday to water, an ounce of roasted chicken and a 1/2 cup of vegetables on Wednesday. So not only am I having to wrap my head around being banded again, I am having to release all those bad eating habits and re-educate myself on what to eat and not to eat.
So how am I doing? Okay, but today was better than yesterday. I had a sliming episode today after eating an olive. I knew better but I was tempted and did it anyway. I need to drink more water and I have to readjust my meal planning so I can get it all in. Also, I need to grocery shop so I can have better options available. I'll do this tomorrow. I am having some mild heartburn and my band might be too tight. However, this could also be because I have not been making the right choices every time I eat. My plan is to wait a week to see if making better choices reduces the heartburn.
This is just the beginning and I feel kinda confident in my ability to do this. I am working on that too.
Today I ate:
Two pieces of low-sodium ham with a wedge of Laughing Cow.
8 salt-cured olives
2 peanut butter crackers
one crab cake
one chicken leg
edamame
a Brown Cow yogurt
So as you can see I pretty much didn't do anything right today. Tomorrow I will be more prepared after grocery shopping.
Below are some pictures of me at my different weights. These are all face shots but that's all I have at this late hour. You can see my metamorphosis in my face though.
Me at 185 and a size 14
Me at about 200 and a size 18
Me at 251 and a size 22
I had lap-band surgery in August 2004. My weight at the time was 268. I lost down to 185 and a size 14. I looked good. I felt good. I was hot to trot dating every guy in town and having fun with my nice clothes, my pretty hair, and my new-found self-confidence. I was incredibly happy living an awesome life with great friends, a job I loved and sexy lingerie.
I would go into Starbucks and men would stare. At first this was off-putting and then I realized they were staring at me because I was looking good, not because they were thinking "Eeewwww gross! She is so fat!" That was such a shocking realization!
One hot September day I went to a street fair and met the man who would become my husband. He was handsome with a sexy accent, a great education, and a good job. Our story is kind of funny and I will save it for another day (because it is also long) but we hit it off and pretty much spent every day together from that first day.
We got married and had a baby 4 months later. That's sort of where everything fell apart. The husband part was good and the baby part was good but I had really, really, really, really bad postpartum depression. In fact at my lowest point I was having all of these terribly morbid thoughts and was suicidal. My husband and I worked through it but I should have gone to a therapist. Instead I starting eating cheese and chocolate and ice cream and any other high calorie comfort food I could find that would go through my band. Comfort fattening food became my therapist. Smart, huh?
In late November of 2009 my husband, son and I were in Chicago and something happened. I still do not know what happened. I just woke up one morning and couldn't swallow - no soft food, no water, no saliva. After about two days of this I got really scared and called my surgeon in Memphis and he hooked me up with a friend of his in Hinsdale, Illinois who deflated my band. I spent three days on liquids and then started slowly easing into solids. Once I got going on my solids I discovered how much I had missed steak and oranges and lamb chops and grapes. I asked my surgeon in Memphis not to refill my band but he talked me into just a tiny fill. But it wasn't long before I then I discovered how much I missed bread. Then pasta. Then donuts. Then Coke. And before I knew it I had gained back up to 251, which is where I am now.
In the midst of all that gaining and eating my husband took a job in Denver and we left out entire support system in Mississippi. I spent the better part of 2010 denying that I needed my lap-band refilled and it wasn't until I could barely move that I decided to get back on track.
So here I am one day after my first fill trying to remember what to do and not to do. I have started doing water aerobics every day except Sunday because, let's face it, I am too heavy to do anything else (and my knee hurts too damn much).
I am pretty scared that I will not do everything right because if you've been through the lap-band experience you know that changing your diet and mind-set starts pre-op. When you have the surgery you start on liquids so you slowly ease into the correct eating habits. I am going from drinking a Coke and eating bread on Tuesday to water, an ounce of roasted chicken and a 1/2 cup of vegetables on Wednesday. So not only am I having to wrap my head around being banded again, I am having to release all those bad eating habits and re-educate myself on what to eat and not to eat.
So how am I doing? Okay, but today was better than yesterday. I had a sliming episode today after eating an olive. I knew better but I was tempted and did it anyway. I need to drink more water and I have to readjust my meal planning so I can get it all in. Also, I need to grocery shop so I can have better options available. I'll do this tomorrow. I am having some mild heartburn and my band might be too tight. However, this could also be because I have not been making the right choices every time I eat. My plan is to wait a week to see if making better choices reduces the heartburn.
This is just the beginning and I feel kinda confident in my ability to do this. I am working on that too.
Today I ate:
Two pieces of low-sodium ham with a wedge of Laughing Cow.
8 salt-cured olives
2 peanut butter crackers
one crab cake
one chicken leg
edamame
a Brown Cow yogurt
So as you can see I pretty much didn't do anything right today. Tomorrow I will be more prepared after grocery shopping.
Below are some pictures of me at my different weights. These are all face shots but that's all I have at this late hour. You can see my metamorphosis in my face though.
